Serious Thoughts on my Life's Direction

As many of you don't know, I am not going to be going to school for the next 8 months. Now for those of you who follow my life religiously you might know that this fall I started the occupational therapy program at the university of Utah, and generally school programs are continuous without lengthy breaks. Well you would be right. Unfortunately however last semester I had a cadaver lab. Where I dissected a body and was then tested on the muscles, vessels and nerves. It was part of a three part class along with an anatomy lecture and a kinesiology lecture. I struggled with the lab portion of this class. I don't like death, I don't like dead bodies, I don't like dissections, and I worked too much. So I guess the struggles made sense. In the end I didn't get the 75% that I needed in that third. I got a 74.2. And I passed the other two sections. And aced my other two classes. Unfortunately the higher powers of the program felt I needed to take the class over. And as the class is only offered in the fall I get to sit out the next semester. This news was met with much sadness, and some anger and bitterness. However, anger, sadness, and bitterness do not a happy life make. So I've mostly moved on to the final stage of grief, acceptance. I am accepting of this decision. I guess. I mean there's not a whole lot I can do about it. So while the acceptance may be forced, it's there. Now I've moved on to what I'm going to do with my life for the next eight months. And I have some ideas. I'm looking at this as an opportunity for self discovery and improvement. So instead of moping around feeling bad about myself and losing all my self esteem I am, you know, growing as a person, or something. I've started jogging. I'm going to a dermatologist at some point. I want to get knew glasses, and I will. I want to take care of me. I'm going to figure out my faith and my feminism (for those of you who don't know I'm a feminist. Surprise?) I'm going to find me. Hopefully. Or I'll just look back in 8 months and feel really silly for thinking I could do all this and be the same person I am now. But hopefully it's the first thing. Anywho, I thought I would put this out there so all the very few of you who read this will know. Also so that I could stop feeling like I'm hiding from this thing that happened. So I can move forward and not feel inferior and stupid and ashamed. Because I am human, damn it, and sometimes things are hard,and I fail. So deal with it, because I'm trying to.

Oooooooh Boy

So sometimes I go out in public, and do things like shop. Granted I usually do these public things with my mom and 16 year old brother. But they're awesome. So its all good. Whenever I go out in public however, I am quickly, and sometimes harshly reminded why it's for the best that I stay inside, alone. For example....

Today while out with my family we entered a weird seasonal game/calendar store. I was looking around, trying to figure out if I should get the sexy fireman calendar or the sexy Chippendales calendar not paying attention my surroundings when I popped my hip and planted my foot. In hindsight I guess I did plant it on a slightly uneven surface, but in the moment I didn't notice. In fact I didn't notice anything for like 5-10 seconds, until the "ground" I was standing on shifted. Because it turns out the "ground" I had been standing on was someones foot. Yes. For 5-10 seconds I had been standing on some guys foot. Totally didn't even realize. But oh it gets better, after the poor teenaged gentlemen I was holding captive by my stance shifted his trapped appendage instead of immediately jumping backwards off the foot I looked down and stared at the foot. For another 2-3 second. Just stared. At the foot. Then I looked up. And the kid was staring at me. And I muttered some probably incoherent apology. But instead of playing it cool, or even blaming drugs I stuttered and blushed and glanced around nervously, and I assume creepily. and then turned around and did this weird shuffle run in the opposite direction. Yup. That is my life.

So. For anyone thinking that they are the most awkward person in the universe, rest assured, you're not. I got the call today to inform me that that award belongs to me.

Apology to a Deer

Last night as I was driving home from a friends I hit a deer with my car. I am uninjured, and my car is miraculously not totaled. I am however filled to the brim with guilt. See I was able to slam on my breaks fast enough that I didn't kill the deer on impact. But I didn't slow the car down enough that no harm was done to the poor deer. Between the shock of hitting an animal with my car and the people honking behind me after I hit said animal I didn't actually get to find out if the deer lived or died slowly alone in the night. I mean it limped away, but it couldn't stand up completely. So yes. I am plagued with guilt over the harm I caused this deer and the uncertainty over it's fate. And the way I'm choosing to deal with it is write a blog apology that the deer will never see. But given that I'm the type of person that uses cups to rescue spiders I find in my house and I spent many minutes of my youth picking up worms from the sidewalk and putting them back on the grass something has to be done. And this is what I'm doing. Deal with it.

Dear deer,
I am so so sorry that I hit you with my car last night. You came out of nowhere, and then you froze, much like your kind does in headlights. I tried to slam on the brakes, but you were too close, and my reflexes too slow. I'm sorry that I caused you pain. I would never intentionally hurt something as graceful and docile as yourself. If you lived I'm sorry for any permanent limp and/or emotional scarring that occurred. And if you didn't make it, you sweet sweet creature, I'm sorry that you died in pain. I'm sorry that if I had to kill you I couldn't just kill you outright. I also apologize to any deer family you might have had. I hope you know that it wasn't your deer relative's fault, and I'm sorry for your loss. Wherever you are deer, whether it be alive and bounding in the foothills of Provo, or frolicking in the great meadow in the sky I hope you are happy. And I hope you know how sorry I am. Because I am really terribly and so so sorry.
My best wishes
Jessica.

Gilmores Galore

So what would imagine would happen if two slightly social awkward, but vivacious and hilarious young ladies moved in together. If you answered that they would bond together to pull each other out of the pathetic black hole of social ineptness and make a lot of friends and be social butterflies in the meadow of life you would be so, so wrong. So wrong. What actually happens is conversations like this.

Heather- (After watching this hilarious video) So I like this video, you should post it on Facebook so I can share it.
Me- Ok...ok...done
Heather- Ok cool. I'm sharing it.
Me- Cool, oh and you liked it. Awesome
Heather- Yeah.
SOME TIME LATER
Heather- Listen to this tweet 'I'm not a mom, but I bet I could also lift a car out of adrenaline panic if a cute guy said something nice to me and I needed to hide under it.'
Me- Genuine laughter (probably to hide the pain caused by how true this statement is)... I like it.
Heather- Should I retweet it?
Me- Yes. And then I'll favorite it.
Heather-Done

Yup. Add in a lot of Gilmore Girls, and Gilmore Girls theme song singing (much to dismay of our upstairs neighbors I'm sure) and this is my basically every night. Yup. That's my life. Deal with it.

Going to Movies Alone

Here's the truth world, I like, nay, love going to movies alone. Seriously. I love it. In fact over the past 5 weekends I think I've gone to three movies all by myself. Yeah. I have. And I have thoroughly enjoyed myself each and every time. "But why Jessica?"you might be asking yourself. "Don't you feel awkward sitting among all those other people who are there enjoying the movie with their friends and loved ones? Don't you too have friends? I mean I know you're kinds of socially retarded, but couldn't you find ONE person to go with you?" To which I would respond "hey you, don't be mean, and let me explain why I love going to movies solo."

First, I could probably find a friend to go with. I mean I do have friends. I think. Most of the time. But if I go with a friend there are all sorts of things that have to be coordinated. You both have to want to go and see the same movie, or come to some sort of compromise about which movie you're seeing. Then you have to agree on a time, and finagle schedules. Then you have to agree on a theater that is equidistant from both of you. It really is a hassle. If I go by myself I can go see what I want, where I want, when I want. And I can do it at the drop of a hat. So really it's super convenient.

Second, when you go to a movie you basically, if you are a good person, sit in silence for two hours. If you are one of those people who like to have full on conversations in a movie theater you can skip this part, but know that everyone else hates you. Back on point. Do you really need someone to sit in silence with you? I don't think you do. I can get engrossed in a plot line all on my onsie thanks very much.

Third, if you do go with someone to a movie they are going to want to discuss the movie after. And what if they hated it? And I liked it? Well now I feel stupid. If I go by myself the only person I have to agree with is me.

Fourth, and finally, sometimes I really like being alone. I like not having to talk to people, or try to impress anyone, or dealing with others humanity. Going to a movie alone gives me two hours where I don't have to talk to anyone, or think about anything but what's happening on the silver screen. I can get lost in a world that isn't my own. And sometimes that is exactly what I need.

Anyway the point of all this is to tell all of you that I go to movies alone. And I'm not ashamed. And if you one day find yourself want to go enjoy the cinema, but you have no one to go with let me know, cuz I'll be your friend and will see anything once. But also you could go by yourself and I will support that too.

I Can Hear the Bells

Great news everybody! I have found someone with whom I can share a deep and meaningful relationship with. Or at the very least a casual hookup. His name is Kameren (With a K and an E at the end). He's a practicing witch, and he could see that my name started with a J because the J was really big and floating up in my head. He was a science whiz in high school and could be a zoologist if he wanted but he's too lazy right now. He really wants a girl friend, and he isn't that picky, and he finds me attractive enough, and would totally be down to have me as his girlfriend, or to just hook up. He thinks we would be great together because he's a Pisces and I'm a Cancer. Since we're both water creatures we would have some "rocking times." And if I occasionally smacked him he wouldn't mind, he would just ask me how to fix it. So really a sweet guy. He is also homeless at 21 which makes my heart hurt. A lot. Maybe we, as a nation or something, should try to figure out how someone who is only 3 years out of high school is already homeless. But that's another soap box. The is a bright side,  he filled out an application at Jimmy Johns, and has a lead on some construction work. Even though I don't plan on pursuing any sort of relationship with him, and I don't know if I'll ever see him again I wish him well. Because quite honestly it's nice to have a conversation with someone who finds you attractive, even if it's only attractive enough to have random sex with. Good to know I've still got it.

Someone explain this to me

I do not understand a lot of things about society. The previous sentence should probably be read I do not understand society, at all. At any rate, this week is semester opening at the bookstore and it has me questioning some things that people do. So if someone could explain these behaviors to me, that would be great.

1.  I have noticed that boys seem  to like wearing tube socks, usually black, but sometimes white, or once today checkered, with shorts. Why? Why do they do this? Is it like a thing that people think looks cool? Because I just think it looks dumb. Approaching the level of wearing uggs with a mini skirt dumb. Either your legs are hot or cold. Is it comfy? It doesn't look comfy. I wear knee socks in the fall and I always have sagging problems. Why does this trend exist?
2. Why don't people read? When I go to a store I usually look around and try to figure out where things are, because a lot of places have really helpful signs posted. More and more I'm starting to think I'm the only one who actually does this.  Seriously, the bookstore has a giant ass arrow hanging from the ceiling that says "all returns" and yet the most frequently asked question is about the location of returns. Only my need for rent money stops me from saying "it's about where that giant sign hanging from the ceiling with floor arrows leading up to it is, idiot." I mean either people are choosing not to read or there is a really big literacy problem in America. I don't know what scares me more.
3. Also listening. I give great instructions. People don't listen, and then I have to repeat myself over and over. If you ask a question, listen to the response. It will save us both some time.
4. Weird piercings befuddle me. Some girl came in with the back of her neck pierced. The back... of her neck. She can't even see back there? What is the purpose of that? Why?

There are lots more things I don't understand about what goes on in peoples heads, but those questions will do for now. If someone could just fill me in with why these things are happening before I lose my faith in humanity that would be great.