Gabby "Fat Dog" Swensen

Gabby "Fat Dog" Swensen

1998-2011

Gabby Swensen, known fondly as Fat Dog or Gabriotta Poop- a-Lotta, joined so many other good and faithful doggy companions at the great toilet bowl in the sky on May 28th 2011. She was freed from this word of arthritic pain, partial deafness, and breathing problems at the hands of a kind and gentle veterinarian. She lived to be a full 13 or 91 in dog years. She will be missed.

Some say that dog is man's best friend, but to the Swensen household, or at least me, she was so much more than that. She was family. She was always there, part of who we were. Hiking trips just weren't the same without her bounding along side you, sniffing out all the interesting smells. The back yard wasn't the backyard with out countless mounds of her doggy doo and discarded tennis balls worn down from hours of fetch. Watching TV just didn't seem right if she wasn't there sniffing around, begging for attention. Latter in her life a night in front of the tv wasn't the same without her rather loud, human-like snoring. For the last 13 years Gabby has always been there to poke her nose at guests where guests usually don't want dog noses poked, to lick all the cuts on my hands, and to try and sneak out the front door if you opened it more than about 3 inches. She was there to see me laugh and to see me cry. She really was an extrodinary animal and I'm going to miss her so so much.

Knowing that it was her time to go, that she was in too much pain for life to be good, and that she's in a better place doesn't make this easier. It never makes things easier. It still feels like something important is missing, like something is never going to be the same. It hurts. But she's in a better place (she's in a better place she's in a better place) and that shall be my mantra. I love her so I am ok with her going out of this world, but she'll never go out of my heart.

Rest in Peace Gabby, you'll always be my puppy.

Reasons I wasn't Raptured

So apparently I didn't make the first cut of people who were sucked into heaven through God's crazy straw. Quite honestly I wasn't at all surprised. But for those of you who are super shocked that an honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous being like me didn't get raptured, here's the reason I didn't get all raptured.

The Depraved Scrabble Society*

*For those of you not comfortable with horrible and/or racist and/or sexual words or who hold the rules of Scrabble as holy script please look no further. These images might be too much for you to bear.

Round 1, two bags of tile, and no rules.

Round 2, just the one bag, but the words were a little worse I think.

I mean if spelling out these horrible words and then laughing about it isn't enough to leave me earth bound I'm pretty sure that breaking the scared rules of scrabble definitely is. So thanks to my love of dirty words with horrible spellings on triple word score I am going to be here on earth for the end of days, and sent to hell for the post end of days. Unless of course that whole thing was a bust, in which case I hope to be long dead and happily situated in hell playing depraved scrabble with the devil for the actual end of days.

My Life Philosophy

Ladies and Gentlemen, after 20 years of living I finally have it. I have a life philosophy. I have a view, and guiding thought, that steers my actions and many aspects of my life. It's not wordy or flashy but (unlike this lead up) simple and clean. It is this: boys are stupid, girls are crazy. Now before you judge take a minute and let it sink in. Wait for it... BAM! It just hit you didn't it. The genius and utter truthiness just hit you like a ton of bricks I'm sure. Still uncertain? Well think back on all of your past relationships (as in the boyfriend girlfriend type) and then think about why they ended. I bet it was because the boy was stupid, the girl was crazy or some horrible combination of the two. Don't over analyze things, just be honest with yourself. Here, to help you out I'll do mine, in order, separated by commas. Stupid, it turns out I was dating a woman with a penis so his crazy stupidity, stupid with a sprinkle of crazy, crazy, stupid, and crazy with a liberal dash of stupid. Ok, now think of fights you've had with friends of both the same and opposite sexes, and I bet you find at their root crazy or stupid accordingly.

You're still not convinced? Fine, here are some actual situational examples. Girls how often have you sat watching a movie next to the guy you like and spent the entire movie sitting with your hand awkwardly sitting three inches away from your thigh land not had the guy hold your hand even though his friend told your friend who told you that he totally digs you? Your information chain isn't flawed, he's just a guy and therefore stupid. Guys how many times has a lady been mad at you, but she won't tell you why and then later you find out its because you didn't notice she cut her hair 1/8 of an inch? Or something equally ridiculous. It's just cuz she's crazy. There are countless numbers of things that prove my point. Take a minute and you'll see I'm right.

I'm sure you're all now thinking "Jessica if you've figured this whole thing out does that mean you're free and you're relationship pathway is now clear and problem free?" The answer is, yes and no. It's yes because I don't get as upset anymore. A guy doesn't hold my hand or realize that I'm just not interested after several terse text messages with horribly vague excuses? Well he's a male, and thus stupid, so I'll keep on keeping on and hold off my Ben and Jerry's binge a bit longer. Instead of being crazy and thinking if my blank was just blank I'm sure he would like me, I can tell myself he's stupid and move on. I can also objectively see my actions and try and put a lid on my crazy. The answer is no because I'm still a female and sadly still crazy. For example say I'm thinking of maybe liking a guy, even though he lives about an hour and a half away most of the time, and I haven't heard from him in a couple days. Rationally I know that he was going camping some time soon and that's probably where he is, and he's not blowing me off or anything, and yet... there's this stupid crazy little voice in the back of my mind that is absolutely sure that despite throwing boulder sized hints of his interest at me he's just a player and a flirt who's used me ill and I should head for the freezer section of the grocery store. Yeah, it's ridiculous. I'm a little disgusted at myself, but I'm still a female and so this crazy nagging is just something I must live with.

The moral of the story? You can't change the fact that you are crazy or stupid. You can however be aware of your fault and try to keep away from the chocolate syrup or whatever the male equivalent of ice cream is. Living by this philosophy also eliminates a lot of the frustration I feel towards people. A few deep breaths while repeating the mantra, girls are crazy, guys are stupid and I'm right as rain. So my friends take this information, use it, and be at peace, for you too now know the secret of life.

Think of the Children

Growing up in Utah has provided me with a unique perspective on child bearing and rearing. Basically, I don't know how babies are made, but I do know that if I don't start making them by age 21 my inside parts explode and God frowns upon me. Not really, but kind of. Anyway the point of this is not to frown upon Utah's lack of sex education program, which I do, or to comment on the Utah County Mormon ideology that women are baby factories. Instead I would like to judge another horrible Utah County-ism which is ridiculous baby names. I don't know who people think they are but during my 18 years there, and my mothers years of being a teacher I have heard of some pretty whacky and by whacky I mean horrible, names. So I've come up with some guidelines for naming your baby.

1. Do not name your child after your things found in nature. Examples: Rainy (her last name was Peirson pronounced person, poor child), Echo, River, Forest (all in the same family), ChiaDee( pronounced shady, last name Woods, middle name Lane), and Boulder, just to name a few. They started in nature and thats where they should stay.
2. Do not name your child after anything that is your favorite. For instance math function- Matrix, Movie title-Matrix(I don't know where it fits), car- Hummer, animal-Bronco, article of clothing- Fedora and Capri, both went to my high school, fabric pattern-Paisley. Put it on a bumper sticker and save your child the humiliation that comes from being named after something people wear on their heads.
3. If you think it sounds like something a movie star would name their child, just say no. The world only needs one Apple that's not edible.
4. City names are bad. They already have a whole city, they don't need your child too. Examples, Denver, Boston, Capri(a double whammy), London, Aspen. Also it will lead to awkward questions about conception later on in life that could and should be avoided.
5. Really weird spellings are just out. And I don't mean adding two e's where a y should be like Bailee or Courtnee, or flopping/deleting letters. I mean naming your kid Alison and spelling it Alycesun. Yeah, that really happened. Or Kwincy, Q's aren't well represented enough for you to replace it with a Kw.
6. Don't put punctuation in your child's name, just don't. Alex-andra is going to have to repeat kindergarten because she couldn't spell her name and her hatred of you, her parent, will grow after every state test.

So basically if you are thinking of a name for your child and it falls into one of these categories think again. I mean seriously, this kid is going to have this name for the rest of his or her life. Be kind, and never name your child rewind.