My Life Philosophy

Ladies and Gentlemen, after 20 years of living I finally have it. I have a life philosophy. I have a view, and guiding thought, that steers my actions and many aspects of my life. It's not wordy or flashy but (unlike this lead up) simple and clean. It is this: boys are stupid, girls are crazy. Now before you judge take a minute and let it sink in. Wait for it... BAM! It just hit you didn't it. The genius and utter truthiness just hit you like a ton of bricks I'm sure. Still uncertain? Well think back on all of your past relationships (as in the boyfriend girlfriend type) and then think about why they ended. I bet it was because the boy was stupid, the girl was crazy or some horrible combination of the two. Don't over analyze things, just be honest with yourself. Here, to help you out I'll do mine, in order, separated by commas. Stupid, it turns out I was dating a woman with a penis so his crazy stupidity, stupid with a sprinkle of crazy, crazy, stupid, and crazy with a liberal dash of stupid. Ok, now think of fights you've had with friends of both the same and opposite sexes, and I bet you find at their root crazy or stupid accordingly.

You're still not convinced? Fine, here are some actual situational examples. Girls how often have you sat watching a movie next to the guy you like and spent the entire movie sitting with your hand awkwardly sitting three inches away from your thigh land not had the guy hold your hand even though his friend told your friend who told you that he totally digs you? Your information chain isn't flawed, he's just a guy and therefore stupid. Guys how many times has a lady been mad at you, but she won't tell you why and then later you find out its because you didn't notice she cut her hair 1/8 of an inch? Or something equally ridiculous. It's just cuz she's crazy. There are countless numbers of things that prove my point. Take a minute and you'll see I'm right.

I'm sure you're all now thinking "Jessica if you've figured this whole thing out does that mean you're free and you're relationship pathway is now clear and problem free?" The answer is, yes and no. It's yes because I don't get as upset anymore. A guy doesn't hold my hand or realize that I'm just not interested after several terse text messages with horribly vague excuses? Well he's a male, and thus stupid, so I'll keep on keeping on and hold off my Ben and Jerry's binge a bit longer. Instead of being crazy and thinking if my blank was just blank I'm sure he would like me, I can tell myself he's stupid and move on. I can also objectively see my actions and try and put a lid on my crazy. The answer is no because I'm still a female and sadly still crazy. For example say I'm thinking of maybe liking a guy, even though he lives about an hour and a half away most of the time, and I haven't heard from him in a couple days. Rationally I know that he was going camping some time soon and that's probably where he is, and he's not blowing me off or anything, and yet... there's this stupid crazy little voice in the back of my mind that is absolutely sure that despite throwing boulder sized hints of his interest at me he's just a player and a flirt who's used me ill and I should head for the freezer section of the grocery store. Yeah, it's ridiculous. I'm a little disgusted at myself, but I'm still a female and so this crazy nagging is just something I must live with.

The moral of the story? You can't change the fact that you are crazy or stupid. You can however be aware of your fault and try to keep away from the chocolate syrup or whatever the male equivalent of ice cream is. Living by this philosophy also eliminates a lot of the frustration I feel towards people. A few deep breaths while repeating the mantra, girls are crazy, guys are stupid and I'm right as rain. So my friends take this information, use it, and be at peace, for you too now know the secret of life.