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Friday, September 17, 2010

The quinticycle (you've never heard of it for a reason)

Lets talk about bicycles. Bicycles are fun. They have two wheels. If you were to imagine yourself as the wheel of a bicycle it would prolly be pretty enjoyable. You and you other wheel friend are rolling along, moving the bike, making someone's day vastly more enjoyable. So being one of the wheels on a two wheel bicycle would be great. Right? Right. Now if you add a third wheel onto a bicycle what do you have? A tricycle! And tricycles are super fun. Usually on a tricycle all the wheels have a purpose. I mean, sure, sometimes the two back wheels kind of forget about the big front wheel. And they sort of ignore the front wheel and its insistence. But then they remember you and you all roll along happily and all is fairly right with the world, and there is only minimal amounts of awkwardness for that front wheel. Now lets say you have a bicycle with five wheels. What do you call that? Nothing, you don't call that anything except possibly ridiculous. Because that's what a five wheel bicycle is, it's absolutely ridiculous and awkward. A four wheel bicycle is completely plausible. It's like one of those cool push cars or better yet a bike with training wheels. See the two big wheels are getting along super well. They are pros, they know what they're doing. They know each other really well and work well together. And then you have the training wheels. They might not know each other so well, but they are working on getting to know each other. They support the two big wheels together, without overpowering them. Now try to add a fifth wheel into that equation, and what do you get? A very left out fifth wheel. See the two big wheels are all cute and cuddly on the grass swaying to the live music together, sometimes talking to the fifth wheel, but really just wrapped up in the awesomeness of being the two big wheels on the bike. And the two training wheels aren't cuddly, but they sure as heck aren't paying any attention to the fifth wheel because they are too busy talking and getting to know each other better as training wheels and seeing if one day they might want to graduate to being big wheels. So that leaves the fifth wheel sitting in its own discomfort trying to pretend like its not the unwanted fifth wheel while simultaneously trying not to draw attention to its incredibly awkward fifth wheelness. Which leads me to conclude that the five wheeled bicycle is an all around no good contraption that should be banned, or at least altered by adding like a sixth wheel of some kind so that the fifth wheel has someone to talk to who isn't linked by deep love or slight inclination to another wheel. Moral of the story, wheels on a bicycle are best in even numbers, and if the number of wheels can't be even you should at least warn the odd numbered wheel that it's going to be odd numbered so it can prepare itself for an evening of being ignored by people who she barely knows and people she knows really well and hasn't seen in months alike. That way the fifth wheel won't be too disappointed when she finds out that she is going to be the only left out and slightly lonely wheel in a group of five wheels out for an evening of adventure.

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